It’s Me, Not You (Follow Up to Notes In C-Minor)

Despite what I feel were my best efforts, this morning I was still in the same place I was last month.  The struggle with the school system to accommodate my daughter in school was annoying.  I had the perfect opportunity to have my daughter tested for ADD but the forms completed by the teacher painted a different picture than our one on one conversations.  According to her reports there was nothing out of the ordinary about my daughter.  She was fine.  This in turn suggested to the people that were considering testing my child for ADD that she was not an optimal candidate.  While they believed she did have some traits, they were not strong enough to warrant testing and inclusion in their study. 

Those words cut deep.  So basically I am at square one.  As tears streamed down my face, I questioned why I felt alone in this struggle, and why I had to prove to people that my child could benefit from a little bit of flexibility and assistance during school.  

I sat in the car, in the drive way of my youngest daughters daycare, and just cried.  I felt defeated and exhausted.  Then I started thinking about other things that made me sad, and I was a mess.  Things that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the current issue began racing through my head. I started making decisions that I wasn’t going to do this anymore, and that I wasn’t going to do that anymore, and basically people could kiss my butt, because I am tired of helping people with their problems as I struggle through my own.  

But just as quickly as the anger and pain came, it went away.  I started putting things into perspective.  I realized that there was nothing WRONG with my daughter.  She learns differently.  Cool.  Address that! I don’t need a diagnosis to get me a piece of paper, to demand a subpar school system, to force their subpar school to make the subpar principal create an EIP or 504 plan for my child.   I’ve had conversations with teachers about her being off track more times than I care to remember, but just realized that they will NOT put anything in writing.  Maybe it’s to protect them, the school or the County. I don’t know.  

I just need to know what works for my little girl and go that route.  That includes keeping the focus on school this summer.  She’s enrolled in engineering camp this summer. I am hoping that will help her see what’s out there for her when she graduates school.  I am also working hard to find an alternative school for her.  I have a feeling we won’t be able to enroll her next year because deadlines have passed and we aren’t financially ready to send her.  I hate the fact that she will be in a school that is teaching to pass state tests to prove the teachers can teach the state test material, but hey, my hands are tied right now. I have no other options.  I can only plan ahead.  

I’ve committed myself to stop chasing a diagnosis.  I know what I know.  I’m her mother, and I knew this child was cut from a different cloth the moment she first kicked in the womb, I am satisfied with my diagnosis….Everything about this beautiful child is perfectly RIGHT.  I will encourage her to continue to ask questions, speak her mind and explore the unknown.  It’s her world!   And I cannot believe that I was struggling to put society’s standards on her, like she was the problem.   She has already taught me a thing or two, and I absolutely adore her for this life lesson!