…To Make or Become Different

It’s been roughly one month since Courtney’s diagnosis.  The first day we were released from the hospital I was terrified I would mess up giving her her insulin shots.  The first week I was scared to go to work and leave her home.  At the end of this first month I can honestly say, I’ve only been feeling worse about this change to our life.  This change to Courtney’s life.
We’ve been battling blood glucose highs and lows.  I’ve messed up with recording her numbers.  I’ve had her in predicaments where her blood sugar was so low she could barely walk.  I’ve never concentrated so hard on simple meal preparation in my life.  We generally eat well, but with Courtney, every meal counts. No one sits down at the table and eats until Courtney’s blood work and insulin regime are done and clear.  I don’t want her to feel left out.
I think the hardest part of it all is watching Courtney change.  I can’t explain it completely, but we all notice the change.  It’s heartbreaking.  And until you watch your own child struggle and come to grips with a child hood illness, I can’t say that I’ve found much comfort in another parent telling me to toughen up.  
I’m tough!  I’m so tough that when she broke down in tears at a restaurant today because her glucose level wasn’t stable enough to eat when everyone else was eating, that I held it together.  Yea, I held it together.  God knows that I wanted to cry with her.  I felt the lump in my throat, and avoided eye contact with everyone else at the table, because I didn’t want to bust out in tears.  
Today, again, at her first day of tennis lessons, she came out to me with glossy eyes in the middle of the lesson.  When I asked her what happened, she said the teacher singled her out asking why she wasn’t hustling like the rest of the kids.  Courtney told the teacher she was scared to exercise too hard, because she didn’t want her blood sugar levels to get too low.  She got embarrassed and came outside.  I wanted to melt. I never told her to hold back.  But she’s putting restrictions on herself.  She’s scared to do things.  That’s NOT my Courtney.  This is a changed Courtney.  
I have to get my old Courtney back.  
So as we continue to figure out how to turn her thought process around regarding this disease, I’ve encouraged Courtney to start a video blog.  Should be interesting!  
We’ve also been working on creating the support group and 2 fundraising efforts.  The fundraising efforts have been the hardest because it’s very hard for me to ask for donations or money.  I’ve always been the one that gave money, but the support of family and friends has been wonderful.

As soon as I have a few posts of Courtney’s video diary, I’ll be sure to send the link for you all to view.  And if you are feeling any types of generous, please feel free to donate towards any or both of the funding projects we’re working on below. 

Raising Money for her to go to diabetes camp
Raising money for our race to cure junior diabetes

5 thoughts on “…To Make or Become Different

  1. This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. It reminds me of when we found out Johanna has RAD. She will NOT use her inhaler yet, so her running is limited and she has been the one limiting it. This is the kid that LOVED to do nothing but literally run all day! So, in a way, I feel you, but Johanna's illness will go away eventually and is easier to control than juvenile diabetes. I know it has to be scary and heartbreaking. Praying for you guys.


  2. Yes, you are strong but you are also human. You guys will figure this out. All change requires adjustment. With your faith and amazing support system, you will get through. I love you all and am always here for you.


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