It’s been weeks, scratch that, months since I blogged about anything. My intent was to blog about the rest of my pregnancy, but then life happened and that fell by the waist side. The remainder of my pregnancy was up and down.
My Highest Low
I planned this pregnancy with my husband. My dream was to do what I haven’t done with the other three kids. Plan a pregnancy and do all that I couldn’t do with the others. With the other three, I wasn’t financially ready, emotionally ready, or even mature enough…or so I thought. But I loved my babies and wouldn’t change the circumstances in which I had them at all. But I figured, this go round, I was a bit more established career wise, relationship wise and sanity wise, that I’d make the leap. I knew time wasn’t on my side anymore, and I needed to make a decision to have another baby rather quickly.
Towards the end of my second trimester, my husband and I went through some major issues. It took a huge toll on me and set the tone for the rest of my pregnancy. I didn’t talk to anyone about the issues we were having for a while, and I realized it was manifesting itself in other ways. So when it finally all came to a head, my emotions were permanently in a funk. Because of the downward spiral I felt my life was going with my husband, I didn’t enjoy the rest of pregnancy. I was mean and I resentful. I didn’t get to take my pregnancy pictures because I was upset. I didn’t do any of the things I planned to do and that I saw other people doing because I was depressed. I began to fear that my emotions would transfer to the unborn baby, so I did what I could to be happy. I began to pray more and read the bible more. It helped, but I was still sad. I had a great baby shower and my friends were so supportive, as I shared with them what was going on. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without my friends.
I was working full time, going to school for my 2nd bachelors full time, and making sure my family was taken care of. My mom was going through her own medical issues and that took an even bigger chunk out of me. I was stressed. Beyond stressed, which led to me feeling depressed and alone. I wasn’t in a place where I wanted to hear people complaining about frivolous things. That shit is draining.
I went into labor at the beginning of March. After several stints with false labor, I finally was having this baby. I wasn’t sleeping at all during the last month of pregnancy, so we scheduled an induction at 39 weeks. My other 3 deliveries were relatively smooth, so I decided my two oldest kids could witness me deliver their baby sister. My mother and husband were there as well. Once I had my epidural all was well. When it was time to push the baby out, it was a trauma that I have never experienced. I felt EVERYTHING with the epidural, while I pushed. I have never been in so much pain. I screamed. I cursed. I shouted “GET HER OUT!” at the top of my lungs. I really think all of the shyt I was going thru during the end of my pregnancy manifested itself into this pain during delivery. I pray that I didn’t scar the kids, although maybe this will dramatically decrease their chances of being a teen mom. LOL!
After delivering the baby, my emotions were still all over the place. I literally had a baby only hours ago, and I was still worrying about other people. My mom. My kids. My husband. I didn’t even consider my recovery. After dealing with my 11 year old who started getting cold like symptoms after the baby was born, and started crying because I didn’t want her to hold the baby. Then dealing with my mom on some other shyt, I literally cried in my room that whole night when everyone left. Thank goodness the baby was in her bassinet sleep. I was all alone. And I cried. I just felt drained. I felt like I had NOTHING left to give, and how was I going to be emotionally ready to care for a new baby. Was I suffering from postpartum depression? I don’t think so. I think a person can only take but so much! And when others are too self absorbed to see that, it just makes for a messy situation.
The rest of the stay in the hospital was pretty meh. I really wasn’t up for visitors. I was bleeding pretty heavy and even some trips to the bathroom required a follow up call to the custodial staff to clean up the blood bath from my bed to the room. Imagine that if you have guests in the room. Plus the hospital staff, while pleasant, seemed to ALWAYS be coming in my room. So I never got to really rest. I was tired. I was annoyed. I just wanted to go home.
When I did get home, I think I still had a little bit of the angry vibes in me, and was basically a bitch to everyone for the remainder of the week. I didn’t care either. I was in a lot of pain and felt like I had been hit by a bus. I could barely walk without assistance.
I still felt like I had been hit by bus, I was popping pain pills to the point where I thought I might get addicted to them. My muscles ached all over from the traumatic delivery. I was worried that I’d feel like this forever. I couldn’t see a future without the pain. Plus my 11 year old was still a bit sick and had now infected her older sister. So two kids sick, new baby and a touchy 6 year old all wearing me out. I hated that the kids were sick, because I know they wanted to really hold the baby. I just couldn’t take the chance of them getting her sick. I know they felt shut out, but I just kept trying to tell them that she wasn’t going anywhere, and that I wanted to protect everyone in the house. My mamma bear mode was pretty strong during week 2. I didn’t really want anyone to pick up the baby. She was mine! LOL!
Spring Break!?!? OMG, I completely didn’t factor in Spring Break and a new baby. My 6 year old had come down with what ever her sisters had late last week. And it finally infiltrated my immune system during this week. I felt miserable. But I had to still get it together. I was learning the baby’s habits, and that helped with planning trips out the house. She doesn’t particularly like the car, except when it’s moving. And it has to be going at least 40 for her to be satisfied. So I am thinking this one may have a lead foot like her mama. My emotions have definitely settled by this week. I gave the kids the clear to interact more with the baby. I finally started giving the baby 1 bottle a day so that my husband could feed her the breast milk I pumped. My in laws helped a lot with the other kids. They let them spend a few nights/days at their house so I wouldn’t have to worry about them. It helped not having to worry about feeding people.
I am finally wrapping up week 4, and I definitely feel much better. I feel like I have charge of my well being again. I’m open to visitors now. Yay! I’m not in pain anymore. Yay! I don’t feel bitchy anymore. Woohaaaaaaaaaah!
It’s funny, I never imagined my pregnancy and postpartum experience to be this way. I mean I have had my lows in my life. I’ve been depressed before, but never during this time of my life. It was weird. I don’t feel bad for feeling and reacting how I did. I’m human. If I didn’t react this way, I’d think I’d need some type of medication because something’s off. Can I learn to express myself a little better when I am stressed out? ABSO-FUGGIN-LUTELY! That’s always been something I’ve had to work on, but this experience was really good for me. I mean I’m still “going thru the motions”, but I feel better.
Now, I’m sure everyone is wondering why I aired my business to the world like this. *shrug* I don’t know. It was something that I wanted and needed to express in writing and opted to share it. Y’all still don’t know my business. You only know what I wanted you to know. I know there are other mother’s around that have gone thru what I am going thru. I’m going to come out on top of my situation.
Thank God for family!
Pics of my beautiful family and friends.