The Not So Sweet Life

For the last few weeks, my mind has been overly concerned with my 12 year olds’ diabetes status.  She’s had it for 2 years now, and I just knew it would get easier for me to cope, but I just realized that I’m not even close to coping with it.  And sometimes I feel bad because she is the one that has the disease, so how can I not cope with it, but expect her to.

On days that she is upset, I try to give her words of encouragement.  I tell her things that I am quite sure if someone told me, I’d tell them to get the f*ck out my face.  You know when someone is consoling you and you don’t want to hear what they have to say.  You want them to just sit next to you and cry, or say “Yea, F*CK XXX! I hope XXX rots in hell”.

 Sometimes misery really does just want company….and not in a bad way.

I know I don’t want to hear about all the natural healing herbs, diets, food that will cure her diabetes.  We’ve looked at everything.  We’ve tried a lot. So PLEASE PLEASE stop it.  Just hush with it.  It’s insulting sometimes.

I’m trying to work on a balance of being encouraging, but also being someone who she can blow off steam with….heck in unity with.  I’ve tried my best to make our life normal since the diagnosis. I constantly tell her, “I wouldn’t let ANY of your sisters eat ABC in that amount…not just you”.  But I don’t think she believes me.  And probably because she’s witnessed her little sister eat candy or cake or ice cream in an amount that she probably shouldn’t or when she probably shouldn’t.

I recently joined another T1D parent support group.  I thought it would make me feel good to hear other parents talk about what they are going through as they watch their child battle this disease.  At first it did, but on the 1st of every month they have a rant post where the parents basically cuss out their frustrations with T1D.  The first few posts were funny to me.  I could relate.  As the thread feverishly grew in numbers, I got depressed.  These people weren’t just cursing to curse.  These people were screaming in pain.  I didn’t imagine them writing down swear words in jest, I could literally see tears rolling down their cheeks as they typed their pain.  My eyes began to tear up as I read the posts.  They cursed everything from carbs to their Endo’s.  They cursed family and friends for not being supportive.  They cursed insurance companies for price gouging life saving medicines.

My daughter is blessed to be able to attend 2 diabetic camps this summer. I am excited for her and I am excited for my family.  We all need a break.  She gets to interact with other children who are JUST LIKE HER!  They aren’t looking at her inject herself because they are doing the same thing.  They aren’t splurging on sugary snacks, pizza or pasta because they can’t.  The environment is conducive to their illness.  She always talks about how much fun she has at camp.  And I get to take a mental break from counting carbs and telling her how much insulin to take, and worrying at night that she doesn’t have a low glucose level. When she sleeps in late,  I am nervous.  I don’t know if she’s sleeping or if she’s unconscious.  I get nervous,  and go to make sure her chest is moving.   This is everyday!

Everyday I wake up praying my baby girl wakes up too.

I’m thankful for my support system and the prayers for my darling baby girl. I’m a praying woman and have faith in God.   I’m confident that we will see a cure for this disease in HER lifetime.

 

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5 thoughts on “The Not So Sweet Life

  1. LG says:

    Amen. The sooner diabetes is tackled, the better for the world.

    May I ask you something that could be a little, offensive (sorry in advance)? I am a mother of a “normal” child (whatever the heck “normal” is, sometimes I think no one is normal !). I have friends who have children with needs and health issues. I am often at a loss on how to respond when they tell me. I don’t want to sound patronising or arrogant or may god forbid, pitying because I know the last thing they want is pity. Besides, I KNOW they are strong people, in any case, stronger than me, and it is insulting. Still, I am often nervous if I would say something insensitive…

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    • Sometimes the best thing to say is “How can I help? “. I don’t think there is anything wrong with sharing your sympathy to someone. That’s not what I was saying in my post. It’s just a bit intrusive when a person starts hurling cures and such at a parent who has 9 times out of 10 heard it all, seen it all, and tried it all. 😊

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  2. Beyonce Knowles says:

    Courtney is a reminder to me that not only is life short, but its precious. Her battle is being fought for all of us who know her as we all continue to learn lessons on faith, maturity and triumph over trials. I have news for you…you ARE coping. Life is tough on its best day and some s*it on the rest. Everyday that we have, no matter how difficult, we have managed…we have coped. Don’t loose your stamina because its hard. As I type this with tears streaming down my face , I acknowledge your struggle..I feel your pain. …and if I could, I would take every ounce of it way for you and her. Release her to the Lord honey. He is the only one who is able to keep her. I wrote a poem for Ivy months ago about this kind of thing. I will share it and hopefully it will help you. I love you. ~Jessica
    *Another well written post BTW

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  3. Samantha says:

    Thank you for shedding light on this subject from a mothers perspective. My niece was diagnosed at 7 years old and went through some very rough years. She is now almost 19 and is in a much better place. She has her days when she just doesn’t want to deal with it. It’s sad to see her go through it. Your daughter is very blessed to have things like camp. My niece would have benefited from it immensely. Thanks for the good read!

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