For the last few weeks, my mind has been overly concerned with my 12 year olds’ diabetes status. She’s had it for 2 years now, and I just knew it would get easier for me to cope, but I just realized that I’m not even close to coping with it. And sometimes I feel bad because she is the one that has the disease, so how can I not cope with it, but expect her to.
On days that she is upset, I try to give her words of encouragement. I tell her things that I am quite sure if someone told me, I’d tell them to get the f*ck out my face. You know when someone is consoling you and you don’t want to hear what they have to say. You want them to just sit next to you and cry, or say “Yea, F*CK XXX! I hope XXX rots in hell”.
Sometimes misery really does just want company….and not in a bad way.
I know I don’t want to hear about all the natural healing herbs, diets, food that will cure her diabetes. We’ve looked at everything. We’ve tried a lot. So PLEASE PLEASE stop it. Just hush with it. It’s insulting sometimes.
I’m trying to work on a balance of being encouraging, but also being someone who she can blow off steam with….heck in unity with. I’ve tried my best to make our life normal since the diagnosis. I constantly tell her, “I wouldn’t let ANY of your sisters eat ABC in that amount…not just you”. But I don’t think she believes me. And probably because she’s witnessed her little sister eat candy or cake or ice cream in an amount that she probably shouldn’t or when she probably shouldn’t.
I recently joined another T1D parent support group. I thought it would make me feel good to hear other parents talk about what they are going through as they watch their child battle this disease. At first it did, but on the 1st of every month they have a rant post where the parents basically cuss out their frustrations with T1D. The first few posts were funny to me. I could relate. As the thread feverishly grew in numbers, I got depressed. These people weren’t just cursing to curse. These people were screaming in pain. I didn’t imagine them writing down swear words in jest, I could literally see tears rolling down their cheeks as they typed their pain. My eyes began to tear up as I read the posts. They cursed everything from carbs to their Endo’s. They cursed family and friends for not being supportive. They cursed insurance companies for price gouging life saving medicines.
My daughter is blessed to be able to attend 2 diabetic camps this summer. I am excited for her and I am excited for my family. We all need a break. She gets to interact with other children who are JUST LIKE HER! They aren’t looking at her inject herself because they are doing the same thing. They aren’t splurging on sugary snacks, pizza or pasta because they can’t. The environment is conducive to their illness. She always talks about how much fun she has at camp. And I get to take a mental break from counting carbs and telling her how much insulin to take, and worrying at night that she doesn’t have a low glucose level. When she sleeps in late, I am nervous. I don’t know if she’s sleeping or if she’s unconscious. I get nervous, and go to make sure her chest is moving. This is everyday!
Everyday I wake up praying my baby girl wakes up too.
I’m thankful for my support system and the prayers for my darling baby girl. I’m a praying woman and have faith in God. I’m confident that we will see a cure for this disease in HER lifetime.